Premarital Sex

Fornication is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. It is gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality which is naturally ordered to the good of spouses and the generation and education of children. Moreover, it is a grave scandal when there is corruption of the young. CCC 2353

1. Distinctions

a. Casual sex

b. Between engaged couple

c. Between couple who cannot marry in Church (legal, religious, economic, family, social reasons)

2. Casual Sex

a. For those who are not engaged, sexual intercourse does not authentically serve as a language of love, nor does it partake of the binding dimension of all authentically humanizing relations.

b. There is a need for firm yet persuasive admonition; appeal to issues of sacredness of body, sex as proper only in the context of married love, justice, health, and respect for self and others.

c. Between strangers/acquaintances/boyfriend and girlfriend

i. Objectively wrong and gravely sinful.

ii. Gravity is increased if it also involves deception, force, seduction, use of drugs or alcohol to impair judgment of the partner, and careless disregard for transmission of disease.

d. Between prostitute and client

i. CCC 2355: Prostitution does injury to the dignity of the person who engages in it, reducing the person to an instrument of sexual pleasure.

ii. While it is always gravely sinful to engage in prostitution, the imputability of the offense can be attenuated by destitution, blackmail, or social pressure.

iii. Generally the client, who acts with greater freedom (except if compulsion is present), has graver subjective culpability and contributes to a dehumanizing sinful structure.

e. Simulated sex (phone sex, cyber sex)

i. At most, it involves exhibitionism and/or masturbation

ii. If between unmarried people, it is objectively wrong and sinful but less in degree as actual pre-marital sex. Firm admonition is needed.

iii. If between married persons, it is objectively wrong but gravity may be lessened depending on the reason for such an activity — e.g. long-term physical separation

3. Engaged Couple

Can premarital sexual intercourse between engaged persons ever be an authentic expression of total and definitive love?

• We cannot exclude the possibility that on many occasions the love between engaged persons is more authentic and more responsible than the love involved in certain marital relations.

• However, the demand for communication between engaged persons is not so urgent that it would oblige them to take the risky step of premarital sexual intercourse.

• As a rule, premature sexual intercourse does not show evidence of being a factor of integration and maturation of an engaged couple. Learning to love authentically needs long and painstaking effort which is brought about by courtship and engagement.

• Sex between engaged couple is still objectively wrong but not as seriously grave as sex between unengaged persons.

• The normal solution to the question of premarital sexual relations should be premarital sexual continence.

• Seek to challenge the engaged couple to practice restraint in their sexual expression before marriage in order to learn discipline and self—control during married life. Such virtues will be necessary when they will need to avoid sexual activity during marriage (e.g. pregnancy, physical separation, illness,

use of NFP).

4. Couple who cannot marry

a. Ask the couple if they can wait until they overcome the obstacles to marriage before living together.

b. lithe couple cannot avoid living together and have children already, urge them to go to regular confession and communion while striving to overcome the obstacles to marriage.

c. Help refer the couple to experts who can help them.

5. Case Studies

a. Mark and Susan, both 20 years old, are in an exclusive romantic relationship for two years already. They are not yet considering marriage but are open to the possibility. In the course of their relationship, they have increased the intimacy of their expression of affection from kissing to light petting and necking, to heavy petting and necking. They are have committed themselves not to have sexual intercourse because they believed that this is only proper for marriage and Susan wants to maintain her physical virginity until her wedding night. They also do not want to risk pregnancy and do not approve of using condoms or pills. However, they have begun experimenting with phone sex, mutual masturbation, and oral sex. They claim that these acts are not actual sex because there is no penetration. Would these acts be acceptable for couples in an exclusive relationship that can lead to marriage?

b. Fred is engaged to be married to Lea. Their wedding is in six months. Lea has had previous boyfriends and is not a virgin. Fred on the other hand, is still a virgin. Fred is worried that his sexual abilities would not please Lea. He had not dared to have premarital sex with Lea because he feels so inexperienced and he might disappoint her. In preparation for his wedding night, Fred has been going to massage parlors and practicing having sex with other women. Fred justifies this activity as a way to prepared himself to be a better husband to Lea. Fred does not see anything wrong with the practice sex with the masseuse because there is no romantic element involved and it is simply a transaction and a learning experience. As a friend of Fred, how would you advise him?

c. Lisa is waiting for her boyfriend, Luis, who is coming home to the Philippines for a visit. Luis has been working in Guam for three years and he has kept a romantic relationship with Lisa despite the distance. Lisa and Luis have kept themselves faithful and chaste while separated but every year when Luis comes home, he and Lisa have sex in order to express their love and affection for each other. They have plans of getting married and Lisa plans to follow Luis to Guam after she finishes her nursing course. Lisa is looking forward to Luis’ visit next week and she is all set to have sex with him. For Lisa this is the only time she can physically express her love for Luis and she sees it a reward for being faithful and chaste while he was away. She is also afraid that if she refuses sex with him it might ruin his visit and affect their relationship. Anyway, she says, they already plan to get married next year. If you could not dissuade Lisa from having sex with Luis, is there any other moral advice you can give her?

d. Tony is 22 years old and has recently been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. There is a strong possibility that he will die in the next six months. One of his greatest regrets is that he is still a virgin and he would like to experience having sex before he dies. He asks you as his best friend to help him out by accompanying him to a massage parlor where customers can pay for sex. You object to his plan but he said that if you do not help him he will go look for prostitutes himself and have sex with as many women as possible. If you go with him he promises to only to do it once. What would you do to help Tony?